March 30, 2015 by jeliwobble
When I was younger, I used to apologise for everything. Sometimes, I would apologise for just being there, just breathing. I don’t really know why I wanted to apologise for everything, but I did have a crushing sense of everyone else’s worth above my own. It seemed sensible to apologise, I think, just in case I had offended.
As time has gone on, I have felt less necessity for apologising for my own existence. I no longer fear anyone’s offence at my being there. However, I am still crushingly aware of everyone else’s worth above my own. There’s always a vague worry in the back of my mind that people are just ‘tolerating’ me, and barely at that, because I am, relatively speaking, a way down the pecking order to them. It makes it difficult to speak to people, even on social media, particularly if I know them well. There are always the thoughts, ‘Why would they want to speak to me?’ and ‘They must initiate the conversation, no one wants me initiate one’ and ‘I’m just boring/a bother/embarrassing, I should be quiet’.
I wonder how it’s possible to maintain friendships sometimes. I love people, I love spending time with people; when people reach out to me, and show me that they think I am worth talking to, I respond in kind. I am aware that I require more effort to be friends with than my worth would indicate, so the friends I have are very special as they have to reach out to me, because I can’t reach out to them. And they do.
So, my younger self would like to apologise to my friends for not being very good at maintaining our friendship, and my older self would like to thank you for maintaining it for me.