S. A. D.

1

January 21, 2015 by jeliwobble

Depression is bloody weird.

Your natural inclination is to hide away and not see anyone, answer the phone, talk to anyone on social media, because you can’t cope with the effort of making conversation and the constant nagging worry that everyone hates you and are only bearing with your company because you’re usually a bit of a laugh or have something insightful to say, and ordinarily you can just about trust your brain to control your mouth enough not to come out with the stupid.

You’re constantly tired, to the point where it’s similar to the initial pregnancy fatigue, enough for you to actually be slightly concerned that, having experienced it now four times, it might be a fifth time, but realise that this would be a literal impossibility given the level of libido you’re currently experiencing thanks to the depression.

In a really *brilliant* strategic move, even though you may well be tired enough that you could sleep at any moment, dangerously so when you notice that you haven’t really taken in the last five minutes you’ve been driving and worry you may have actually dropped off, you can’t actually *stay* asleep and lay awake waiting for the bone-deep fatigue to do its job, while your brain sits there laughing at your paltry attempts to trick it back into slumber.

And, of course, being so tired, you just can’t be bothered with anything. TV is dull, you haven’t got enough attention span to watch a film, your usual crafting has lost its appeal, exercise seems impossible when putting one foot in front of the other seems too much, and keeping on top of the housework is a bridge too far.

The irony is, of course, that the cure is to get out of the house into some natural light, even though you can’t, and have as many social interactions as you normally do, even though you can’t, while taking regular exercise, which is impossible, and keeping your house tidy, when even putting on the washing is almost too much.

Intellectually, you know all this, but you can’t make your body or your hibernating lizard brain obey.

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One thought on “S. A. D.

  1. Yes. exactly.

    I had to laugh at the afraid it is the fifth pregnancy bit, yes I have actually had that thought. like OH NO! and then yes, remember it can’t be possible. Even though I’m gaining enough weight each week to wonder again. It is exhausting to force ourselves through each day and do what we’re ‘supposed’ to do but just can’t.

    And if one more person says ‘hang in there, spring is coming soon’ I know they don’t understand. Depression is not a minor inconvenience to be waited out, like a broken leg. I’d take every broken bone over this state of not really being.

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