Not Waving But…

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October 14, 2014 by jeliwobble

There are times when my mind gets the better of me, and today is one of those times.

My personal ethos is to be the best person I can be. It’s what I teach my small people. We have long, detailed conversations about what makes the ‘best’ person we can be and how we should aim to achieve that. Those conversations can happen with Son about how not respecting personal space and personal items is not very nice, then planning how to be ‘better’ at doing those things and be a better friend. And those conversations can happen with Eldest, when we get deep into about what constitutes ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and how our cultural moral viewpoint is formed.

Right now, I’m having a conversation with myself about how my best is never, ever going to be ‘good enough’.

Of course, realistically, *no one’s* best is ‘good enough’ for someone. The old you can’t please all of the people all of the time rings true time and time again. In the grand scheme of things, I am one person and I don’t matter very much, other than to four small people and my husband. But, for someone whose personal ethos is striving to be the best they can possibly be, this proves to be an impossible conundrum. It makes me want to pull back from the world and prevent my abject rubbishness from affecting too many people outside of my little enclave.

Most of the time, I manage to squash this feeling into a tiny corner of my brain, where it glowers and bubbles and generally causes me no more concern than a gently simmering pot. Until it boils over. It tends to boil over when I’ve got too much going on in my head or I’ve spent too long in the house. Both things are happening at the moment, with lack of a job for the man and the normal autumnal sicknesses, so it’s probably to be expected. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with while it’s happening though.

Because, right now, I am pretty much drowning in the feelings of inadequacy.

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